Conflict

Is it right to have conflict within the family, or is it better to stay silent and make no waves? I've asked this question countless times and I have yet to reach a conclusion. But I am seeing a clearer picture, conflicts are there, where you are pursuing them or not, and its only with the resolution of them that actually brings people closer together. I am praying, and seeking advice, whether I should trash this out with my parents one day during summer holidays.

When I was young, I used to think that my parents do not love me, and that my sister is being loved more than I am. Now I know that they DO love me, but I just don't feel loved. They are not speaking my love language and whatever I do they do not reciprocate in the way that I feel being loved. Sometimes knowing that you are loved and feel that you are loved are two separate issues.

I guess sometimes, I just wanted my parents to show their weaknesses to me, just tell me it's okay to feel hurt, and hug me close. Sometimes, I feel that my parents just don't bother to realize that I need their emotional support and know that I have to work things out for myself. I know that their wisdom is beyond me, and I know that they care about me and don't want to see me hurt, but I feel that I can't breathe. I need to cry and get hurt, to heal and to make my own decisions.

I don't want to be jaded, to only think that people are there to hurt me. I want to trust freely, to love them and to heal, whether its for myself or for others. Because being cynical and jaded does not encourage love and harmony, it only increases the degree of mistrust between people. I believe, if you are called to love, you should love with your entire heart, unconditionally, without judgement. Only then, people can see, the beauty of love. Only then people can see the captivating beauty of God. That is why Mother Theresa is remembered. She loved with her heart, and served with the heart of beauty and mercy.

But this is getting out of the point. I can't talk to my parents without my emotions getting involved (specifically crying) because they are people that are not emotional. Logic and self preservation are their main call. Leadership and performance is their talents. My heart is in what I do. My heart refuses to back from this so simply. But I also know that I have a duty towards them. To obey and honor. Its time like this , that I am really confused. But I promised myself, I wouldn't want my kids to feel this way, to feel that they should keep secrets from me..

But really, I am just too exhausted from it. Maybe I should wait a while before heading into another full blown battle.

Friends

In the end,
We chose to be friends.
And it might not,
Be the end of everything.

I'll rather have you in my life,
Then,
Have you now and lose you forever.

I guess,
In a way its selfish.
But I treasure my friendship with you,
More than other types of relationships.

I may still be hurting now,
But I am still here for you.
Unless,
You want me out of your life.

I sincerely hoped that,
You still remember the first gift that I gave you.
No matter what happens,
I'll be there for you.

As a friend,
As a sister.
As a comforter,
As a confident.

Till time pulls us apart.

Choir

Once I was part of something bigger,
Something grand.
Every moment I spent thinking of its wondrous time,
We flew high and far.

Then I was too caught up in myself,
Something was lost.
Every moment I dread its coming,
I lost the camaraderie.

I left the place,
Where my heart used to be.
I eagerly ran away,
From the place I used to call home.

I hadn't thought about that place in years,
Dreading that I'll regret what I might have lost.
But I realized now,
It was all meant to be.

I have to leave that place,
So that I can see how much it meant to me.
I've lost and gain,
Wisdom and pain.

I gave up music for knowledge,
Art for logic.
Convinced myself I shouldn't feel anymore,
But to engulf myself in thoughts.

Then I realized,
It was the feelings that healed me.
The ability to feel,
Sets the gateway to healing.

Now,
As I stand from afar.
Gazing at the accomplishments they've achieved,
I am proud of them.

Maybe they might read this post,
Maybe they wouldn't.
I'll still say my piece to them,
And here it goes:

'One day, if God is willing, may you read my blessings to all of you. 

May the Lord shows His mercy upon you;

May the light of His presence be your guide;

May He love you and uphold you;

May His Spirit be ever by your side.

When you sleep, may His angels watch over you;

When you wake, may He fill you with His grace;

May you love Him and serve Him, all your days.

Then in heaven, may you see His face.

                                        ~A Clare Benediction'

Therein it ends,
And my heart knows no more pain.
My heart will be filled with this song,
To keep and to bless.

Feelings

You know, its been a long time since our confession. Only three months in reality, I feel you are mine already. My heart is entwined with yours, and I believe yours with mine. Sometimes I wonder if this is a good thing, knowing that if I lose you now, it'll really hurt a lot.

I know that there can be no love without pain and vice versa. I know, yet I still hate the feeling of pain. Because that will mean you won't be there anymore. I miss the time of the beginning of our time together; the excitement, the shy eye contact, and the stolen glances. Our first hug, our first time leaning in each other's embrace. Before lust comes into the picture. Maybe its just me, or simply because I am a girl, I love the little touches and the flutter of my heart. The first rush of accelerated heart beat, knowing that you are there for me. Or maybe, for the first time in my life, I found someone who is willing to listen to me.

I know, its hard to go back, when things progressed. But I really miss the quiet times, either just sitting on the beach, or even in Changi Airport, where we are in our own world. Where we are contented, where we are happy. I want to spend more time with you, sitting together, an afternoon, just basking in the beauty of silence. And I'll learn to be less dependent on you and comfort you, because I am leaning too hard on you.

I really love you. And I am declaring here, in front of those who read my blog (a small number, but still). I wish that after the exams, I can be by your side. Hanging out with you, working with you, laughing with you. I don't want to be only yours, I want to be your best friend too.

I guess

I guess,
Because of the ambiguity of my heart.
But you must know,
That I truly love you.

I guess,
Because I can't accurately tell you.
But you must know,
You are irreplaceable to me.

I guess,
Because it's hard to be certain.
But you must know,
I don't want to let you go.

I guess,
Because I don't understand.
But you must know,
Life is hard without you.

I guess,
Because the future is unseen.
But you must know,
Daddy's holding my heart.

I guess,
Even as I cry.
But you must know,
I want Daddy to give you my heart.

I guess I do understand,
The need to withdraw,
And the need to be sad.

Cos the pain isn't just simple,
Its too mixed up with other things.
I understand,
I really do.

So this time,
I am not going to chase after you,
Asking you if you are okay,
I'll let you go.

Even as it hurts,
Even as I feel the pain,
I know that we need to understand,
The need to learn.

I'm asking for time,
I'm asking for space,
Because I can't give you,
Not right now.

And when the time is right,
Come back to me.

Calling

I'm asking,
I'm seeking,
What is my calling.

I'm thinking,
I'm begging,
What is my life's work.

I don't want to go through life,
Drifting along,
Living without a purpose,
Driving me to great heights.

Life is really short,
If you think about it.
It is more than a couple of decades,
And less than a century.

And then everything's dimmed,
The candle extinguishes.
Leaving darkness,
And the bleak hope behind.

I want to leave a legacy of sorts,
To be remembered fondly.
I have a great hope,
To be a blessing to others.

Even as my life is a small candle,
In the grand scheme of things.
I want to be a light,
That shines proudly.